Trash Talkin Texas Style

This week’s Lowell Thomas travelogue takes our rolling wheels on down south to Texas. Because the Lone Star State is where, by far, the most important and compelling game is to be found. That would be Jerry Jones’ ‘Boys visiting the upstart Houston Texans. In honor of our trip down south, we have two, count em two musical selections this week. The first is from that little old band from Tejas, ZZ Top with their classic tale of a trip to an, ahem, girls club – La Grange. A little bit o trivia, La Grange is the actual “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” made famous on stage and in film. The second selection is Gimme a T For Texas by Lynyrd Skynyrd in honor of the death of the actual namesake himself, Mr. Leonard Skinner.

But before we get down to the gridiron festivities, there is one big matter CHOMPing at the bits. Sharktopus! That’s right, tonight is the Emptywheel Sharktopus World Premier Sharktacular Extravaganza! The initial festivities kick off shortly before 9 pm Eastern time (8 pm Central) and will be hosted by Marcy, Eli from FDL and special guest Mystery Dub. Now, unfortunately, out here on the best coast, er left coast, we do not get the movie until 9 pm our time (that would be 9 pm Pacific, FDL and Arizona time), so I will be hosting a second set of festivities for all the west coast shark biters and bitees. This is the grand reemergence of the master of campy summer slasher movies, Roger Corman, and promises to be a load of really tacky and crazy fun. So, if you love seeing hot babes in bikinis frolicking and then being eaten by sharks – and who doesn’t?? – then join us tonight! (Much more after jump)

Pros: As stated above, the big game this week is Dallas at Houston, and we are going to find out if the Cowboys are even the best team is Texas anymore, much less a viable SuperBowl contender. And with the Texans at 2-0 and looking impressive getting there with a win over Peyton and the Colts at home and a tough road win over the Redskins. The Cowboys, on the other hand, have just looked bad in consecutive losses to the Skins and the Bears. Tony Romo has looked okay, although not great, so far but what has killed Dallas is the absence of their once vaunted running game. The Texans are clicking on all cylinders with great passing by Matt Schaub and tough running by the newly discovered Arian Foster. The Texans also look very solid on defense, which cannot be said for the Boys. Dallas can’t really open the season 0-3 can they? Yes, they can.

The other pretty big game is back to the black and blue battles of yore, Packers at Bears Monday night. Both teams are 2-0 and playing solid on both sides of the ball. I would have written Jay Cutler off as another dope with a big arm and lunk head. And that is about what he has shown so far in his career, both at Denver and Chicago; but now he is operating in the wide open, yet micro controlled, Mike Martz offense. It could work, and if it does, Cutler and the Bears could be pretty scary, especially not that Urlacher and the defense seems rejuvenated. The Packers just keep getting better and rolling along. But they had a huge bit of misfortune in the loss of hard nosed running back Ryan Grant for the season. This game is almost a pick em with Grant out, but I will take the Pack in a very close contest.

The rest of the slate are all actually pretty interesting – no real dogs – but not nearly as compelling as the first two above. Bungles at Panthers is a pickem, both teams are weak but Cinci needs a win and Jimmy Clausen debuts for Carolina. Geezer and Vikes rest up on the Lions and get a much needed win. Atlanta plays tough, but can’t win at the Saints. Tampa Bay is a surprising 2-0, as are the visiting Stillers; but the Stillers and Polamalu’s hair find some way to leave 3-0. Ravens kill the Brownies, as the Pats do the Bills. Am going out on a limb and saying the Chiefs knock off the Niners at Arrowhead; SF should be a better team, but I think KC does it. Skins, Eagles, Bolts and Colts all win, which means Rams, Jags, Squawks and Donks all lose. Raiders at Cards is a pickem; who know? Cards should win, but I dunno, I think the Raiders will with Gradkowski at QB. That leaves Jets at the Fish; I’ll take the Jets.

NCAA: Okay, I want to say the game of the week is 24th ranked Oregon State at number 3 Boise State. And since I can say whatever I want, that is exactly what I am gonna say! The Beavers have really prepped for this game, even going so far as to paint their practice field that puke blue they have up in Boise. And make no mistake, Oregon State is a decent team from the Pac-10, not some flunky also ran. But Boise State wins this and keeps the BCS busting dream alive; the only question is by how much they win by for “style points” purposes. The other must see teevee football is Alabama at Arkansas in a tough battle of unbeaten SEC teams. You know about the Tide, but do not discount the Hogs who are powered by the first rate QB Ryan Mallet, who once played at Michigan but left to join a real conference and play in big games. Hard to pick against the Tide, especially now that they have last year’s Heisman winner (and he still has the trophy) Mark Ingraham back and at full speed. Should be a good game, but Alabama wins solidly.

Stanford visits South Bend to remind the Irish they are still mediocre. But the South Carolina Gamecocks at Auburn should be a full on battle. I rate it a pickem, but if SC and the ‘Ole Ball Coach can come out of Auburn with a win, look out. The Quackers from Oregon visit the Devils here at Sun Devil Stadium for a pretty big early season Pac-10 battle. The Devils are far better than you think, but I don’t think they have enough to beat the Ducks, who are very good under coach Chip Kelly.

Formula One: This weekend the circus stops in Singapore at probably the most butt ass ugly circuit in history. Just atrocious. But they do run the race at night, which is a pretty bizarre and unique scene. Vettel, Alonso and Hamilton are fast so far in practice (yeah, I know, big surprise there), while the garage area is abuzz over talk of Schumacher’s future in F1. Michael apparently said he is staying in F1, but there seems to be some thought it may not be as a driver. I think he will give the comeback at least one more season. Qualifying goes live at 10 am EST (7 am PST) this morning. The race itself goes off at 7:30 am EST (4:30 am PST) Sunday morning on Speed. Again, not my favorite track, but usually a decent race in a surreal kind of way.

That’s it for this week folks. Get yer Trash on. And don’t forget the Sharktopus fest tonight!

  1. radiofreewill says:

    Haw, haw, haw! Great tune-age, bmaz!

    The history of the Tide-Hogs rivally is that Alabama never seems to be able to put away constant-underdog Arkansas – and ends-up needing late fourth quarter ‘hand of God’ plays to win. It shouldn’t be close, but if it is, it’s likely to be a thriller.

    We might confirm a possible Herschel Walker sighting in SC’s backfield today – that guy Lattimore is the real deal – I bet they crush Auburn!

    The Gators should extend our beatdown streak against Kentucky to 24-consecutive tonight, but Kentucky’s bringing their best team in years to Gainesville.

    My upset special for today is the Beavers beating the Broncos.

    Count me in on the Sharktopus fun! We could all use some venting through laughter these days!

  2. scribe says:

    What is this Sharktopus thing you are talking about?

    Also worth keeping in mind – the NE faithful are becoming less enamored of Mop Top Tom and his unmanly Bieber-hair. Things to the effect of:

    Giselle: Tom :: Kim Basinger in The Natural: Robert Redford, same movie. (Didn’t turn out that well….)
    He’s not really New England Boston – he wears girly long hair that you need a stylist for, drives an Audi, and lives in New York.

    As to the Stillers, Stiller nation is quite pleased with the results so far, having figured pre-season that the absence of Ben would, best-case, leave us 2-2 at the bye. Anything over 2 wins was considered a bonus. The Stiller D has been awesome so far – I can’t remember the last time a team went +7 on turnovers like they did last week. I think the Bucs are good, but not so good that they will overcome the Stillers. Remember, according to the No Fun League, TB’s fans are so lame (more likely – so broke) they don’t get to watch the game on TV. They and the Chiefs are blacked out. This brings back the memory of a legendary weekend back in the mid-70s, when ordinary working-stiff football fans could still afford to go to games, even out of town. The Bucs, then a relatively new and an absolutely bad expansion team were having trouble selling tickets. Word of this made its way in those pre-internet days north to Pittsburgh, where the waiting list for season tickets is decades long. Many Stiller fans made their way to Fla. for a break from the cold of Western Pennsylvania and proceeded to drink the town dry on the way to the game. This made definite Pittsburgh’s reputation as a drinking town with a sports problem. Look for something similar, though not as extreme – workin’ stiffs in Pgh today can hardly afford the money to go to Fla for a weekend and buy tickets to an NFL game. And the picture is better on the HDTV, anyway.

    As to the Owboys. Heh. Coach Cupcake has already lost the locker room and the players are holding players only meetings. One wonders who’s participating in the Owboy locker-room bitch-fights over “Tony doesn’t throw me the ball enough!” now that T.O.’s decamped to the Riverside Annex of the Ohio State Prison System, a/k/a the Bungles. Go Texans.

    As to the Geezer, he’ll win this week and dump the Kitties back where they belong: last in the NFC North. Once he and Basket figure each other out, count on that combo to score some points.

    Revis, now that he’s gotten his money, will stay out until he’s 100%. Which means the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS will be without him for the better part of a month. And they won’t have the cheerleading of Freman Ed, who got busted for assault on a Jints fan during the pre-season. Might have been the first arrest relative to the new stadium, surely a future barroom trivia answer. Doesn’t look like much, but it’s enough. Tossup between the Jets and the ‘Fins, so in my perfect world, the ‘Fins win.

    Vick should do well and the Iggles will likely win. Scribe smiles….

    As to the rest – who cares.

  3. rmadelson says:

    Boise is really amped up for this OSU game. It’s the first home game since last year. The whole city is wearing blue and orange. Even my wife — who teaches 18th Century British Lit at BSU — is giddy. We’re going to the game tonight while Grandma watches our t-rex (son). If BSU wins it’s gonna be a fun walk home because we have to walk through downtown to get to our house from the smurf turf.

      • rmadelson says:

        Yeah, I hate the blue turf, too. Fine, it’s a gimmick, whatever. But it’s just not right. Why would you WANT blue turf?!?!

        • bmaz says:

          True story. First time I saw it, I thought my teevee was fritzed. Literally was about to go out a buy a new one. Opened another beer and decided to check the other channels before heading to the electronics store and that restored sanity to the situation….

          • rmadelson says:

            I had a similar reaction the first time I saw it late night on ESPN while I was growing up in Florida. I kept fooling with the tint knob.

            Your story reminds me of the first time I saw those 7 ounce Rolling Rocks. I was in college and had been imbibing various substances — I think we’d gone to see the Cult that night. I think it was the night Red Foxx died — who could ever forget. Ran out of beer and my friend brought some of those 7 ouncers out of his jeep. I’d never seen them and told my friend they looked weird. He said they were just regular beers. I told him I thought maybe I had grown real big because they seemed real small in my hand.

  4. Jim White says:

    I’m looking forward to a fun weekend of football. Good games all around. The Gators played better last week than they were given credit for, so I think today we might finally see them playing much more to their potential. They will need to play well since Kentucky certainly isn’t the pushover they’ve been for so many years.

    I think Arkansas pulls it out today over Alabama. I’ve long felt ‘Bama was incredibly lucky last year with their schedule and a few breaks. They very nearly lost at home to an Auburn team that was mediocre and the Gators beat themselves in the SEC Championship game. If Florida had played that game the way they did in the Sugar Bowl, Tebow would have had his second Heisman and third national championship ring. Note that ‘Bama also nearly blew the BCS Championship game even though Texas was quaterbacked by a kid with zero experience.

    I gotta go with the Beavers today on the SmurfTurf. Given how horrible VaTech is with their loss to a non-BCS school right after the BSU game, I have to think the Beavers will have no trouble today, even though the joint will be jumpin’.

    I’m usually not much of an NFL fan, but that could change now. Our local cable guys just suddenly added NFL RedZone to the feed, even in HD. Caught it last week and it’s pure nirvana if you like flipping between games for the exciting bits. I was worried that this was only a one week thing since there were ads saying it was free preview week on that channel on DirectTV and especially since the channel blipped out of authorization at 7:30 during the overtime game, but it’s now showing as live and authorized on my cable guide for tomorrow. Good times ahead…

    Great musical choices, bmaz. The Gator game is on the tube at 7 pm, so I will have to join the early Sharktofest toward the end. Dang, they have the Gators on ESPNU, so unless my cable guys come through with some switching around (not unprecedented…) it won’t be in HD.

    • dakine01 says:

      It sure would be nice to see the ‘Cats break at least one or two of their “ohfers” this year:
      Kentucky vs Florida – Oh fer the last 23
      Kentucky vs Tennessee – Oh fer the last 25
      Kentucky vs Steve Spurrier – Oh fer forevah

        • dakine01 says:

          Well, there was a time when the ‘Cats would beat TN and FL maybe 4 out of 10 times – not a great record but competitive

          But they’ve just been snake bit the last couple of decades, finding ways to lose a couple of times that almost defied belief

          Now if the Hilltoppers could only break their losing streak as well…

  5. bmaz says:

    Ruh roh. Michigan super QB Denard Robinson is down on the sideline hurt. That guy IS the season for the Wolverweenies. If he is hurt very badly, Rich Rod might as well call the real estate agent.

    • rmadelson says:

      First quarter and Robinson is at 129 yards. That guy is a FREAK. The game isn’t on around here (no cable tv) so please update if you find out his condition. I was born in Detroit so I’m kind of a Michigan fan, too.

    • emptywheel says:

      Yeah, he doesn’t look that hurt. I’m guessing they’re just going to assume the true frosh can hold a 21 point lead. Only problem is, the sieve-like D showed up for the second quarter.

      So if and when the Texans win the battle of Texas, does Phillips finally get the boot?

      • scribe says:

        So if and when the Texans win the battle of Texas, does Phillips finally get the boot?

        Not likely. Jerry Jones has been all over the teevee singing the praises of Coach Cupcake and how well he’s handling Jerry’s kids.

        Besides: Who’d be nuts enough to take the job, or agree to be lined up to take it, given he’d have to deal with Jerry Jones? I can’t think of anyone that crazy or that dumb.

          • scribe says:

            Kolb got no reason to complain – Vick is lightning in a bottle right now and Reid will play him until he goes cold.

            Cupcake, OTOH, is colder than [insert analogy here] and Jerry is making clear he’s not going anywhere. Today. Frankly, I hope Jerry is being sincere b/c that means the OWboys will keep losing.

  6. MadDog says:

    Sorry for the OT, but I wanted to ensure that the Emptywheelers got a chance to read these as I commented in the previous post:

    I kept digging around for a link to the al-Awlaki filing, and Charlie Savage at the NYT finally included one in his updated version of his story.

    The link to Charlie’s updated story is here.

    And the links to the actual documents are at the tail end of Charlie’s updated story:

    …Here are links to the late-filed brief, along with three public declarations in support of the assertion of the state-sercrets doctrine by Robert M. Gates, the Secretary of Defense; Leon E. Panetta, the director of the Central Intelligence Agency; and Leon Panetta, and James R. Clapper, the Director of National Intelligence.

  7. bmaz says:

    For those of you who need some sharks and bikinis NOW, SyFy is playing Spring Break Shark Attack and Lake Placid 3 today as a warm up to the great Sharktopus event. Spring Break Shark Attack is very good in its own right according to one of the experts who will be joining us tonight.

      • john in sacramento says:

        Go Hogs

        I’m gonna have to switch back and forth because I wanna see how good Mallet (sp?) is

        Oh, and the Pack is gonna win easily

        And fingers crossed for the Favruhs (I know their record aginst the kitties, but Suh scares me and Best is a dynamic runner)

        • bmaz says:

          The vikings problem is not just the thin receiving corps, but the offensive line. It sucks. If they had a decent line, Peterson would be getting about 150 yards a game, and Favre would have time for the marginal receivers to get open. Sidney Rice was big and strong enough to kind of make his own space a lot; they really miss him. But the O line is just killing them. Favre doesn’t actually look that bad but he is not mobile enough anymore to put up with the pressure that is getting through immediately all the time.

          • john in sacramento says:

            x 2

            I really thought they would upgrade the line in the last draft and was very underwhelmed with their picks

            If I were King for a day I’d swap drafts with the Packers, except for the 1st pick (Chris Cook)

  8. CTuttle says:

    QB Ryan Mallet, who once played at Michigan but left to join a real conference and play in big games.

    Rut-Roh… Marcy didn’t scold ya for that one, bmaz…? ;-)

        • emptywheel says:

          Hmm, I guess if I’m claiming the Weenies (though I should say no one else seems to want them), then you get to claim the Bruins.

          Though I did spend 5 years, not 4. Which meant my one year of season tix at the Big House was right on the 6th row, just above the heads of the players, w/all the 5th year sorority seniors.

            • CTuttle says:

              Northern Saskatchewan State Tech…

              Last time I checked Saskatchewan was a Province, bro…! ;-)

              Btw, my Wacky West’s Broncos are looking good, and the Hokies’ thumping they handed the BC Eaglets burnishes Boise’s stature…! ;-)

  9. rmadelson says:

    Lost connection to CBS, PBS, ABC, and eventually Fox (which is playing Yankees-Red Sox in Idaho — like we freaking care!!1!!!11!). I’m NOT paying for television. I mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedge, washed my car, and was ironing in front of the Arkansas-Alabama game. Been messing with the antenna and now I’ve run out of beer and I’m going to a bar. Good thing they don’t sell alcohol at the Boise State game because I might not make it back home.

  10. john in sacramento says:

    How did the Razorbacks not get any points on that last drive? Not even a fg

    2 big passes and 1st at around the 10. I started watching the ND Stanford game and looked up and Bama has the ball

  11. radiofreewill says:

    Well, one thing’s for certain – both Alabama and Texas had better make some Great half-time adjustments or the Top Ten is in for a big shake-up!

  12. mysterydub says:

    mildly OT, but here’s one for bmaz:

    From our occasional series on Irish persons living in U.S.:

    I had always thought her name was ‘Dana Kilpatrick’.
    Who says you can’t learn anything from watching NASCAR?

    8 )

  13. Jim White says:

    Tebow who?

    Meet Gator freshman Trey Burton, with six, count ’em, six touchdowns tonight (5 rushing, 1 receiving). And, oh yeah, he has a 42 yard pass completion, too. He can play QB, TB, FB, WR and slot receiver.

  14. GulfCoastPirate says:

    Texans starting left tackle Duane Brown suspended for the next four games for substance abuse. Let’s see if his backup can protect Shaub’s blindside. If so then I’d say the Texans keep it going.

    The whorns go down big. Couldn’t happen to a nicer group of pukes. Poor Mack whining all over the TV last night. I loved it.

    Boise looks to be the real deal. Should be a good game when they get Nevada later this year.

    Went back and forth through Lagrange on the way to Austin last weekend. The whorehouse was known as the ‘Chicken Ranch’. Not much money around during the depression and ………. well, you get the picture.

    What’s up with ND anyways? I thought they were supposed to be improved this year. That place is like a coaches graveyard.

      • john in sacramento says:


        Ya gotta take the bad with the good. It’s just how he is, and always has been for his entire 20 year career. He’s gonna throw it up and let his guys make a play, and the big difference between last year and this year is he doesn’t have a playmaker besides AD and Shiancoe

        – Berrian is the worst very, very average at best. He’s supposedly a “speed” guy who can’t seem to get separation; runs lazy routes; doesn’t use his body to shield the defenders away from the ball; and is paid #1 money, but plays like a #3. Has zero pride

        – Harvin’s health issues. Love his potential, but he isn’t a great route runner either

        – Lewis is an journeyman at best, and is only good enough to be able to make a roster

        – Camarillo is a possession guy who isn’t meshing with Favre yet

        – And Baskett’s only notoriety is being married to someone who takes her clothes off for a living … not that there’s anything wrong with that ;-)

        And the o-line, fugetaboutit

    • bmaz says:

      Okay, let me say this about that. The Cardinals suck; they have to be the worst 2-1 team in the league. No way they should have won that game. Oakland had two game winning field goal attempts in the last couple of minutes, the last one a chip shot with 5 seconds left from the 20. Janikowski missed them both. Parcells would have already cut the dude for that effort; probably wouldn’t let him back in the locker room.

      • scribe says:

        Iggles stomp Jax. Scribe smiles. Vick throws 3 TD and runs for 1. “Who let the dogs out?”

        Stillers smash TB, go 3-0. Scribe cackles with glee.

        At this rate, Big Ben may have to fight to get his job back. (“Ben, meet Wally Pipp and Drew Bledsoe.”)

        J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS (minus Fireman Ed) up 14-0. Boo.
        Owboys win. Ugh.
        Patsies win. Ugh.