Tebow Christ Superstar!: Wash Yer Hands & Seal The Fishes Fate

Welcome to TebowWheel. We are done with that national security and legal shit; we’re going ALL TEBOW, ALL THE TIME baybee! Now, I hear Rosalind is fixing to riot this place or something because she can’t find a Trash post to trash up. Fine, riot away, just PLEASE do it very quietly, mmkay? Cause I gots a little severe head trauma going on here. Aspirin doesn’t help. Excedrin doesn’t help. Tylenol and Advil don’t help either. Freaking vicodin doesn’t even help. I am currently looking for a guillotine delivery service. That might work….

Okay, sorry about being so tardy here but things happened starting about happy hour time yesterday. Bad things; very bad things. Here are a few things I either learned or remembered the hard way during the ramble through the bramble:

1) I’m too old for the kind of party expedition work I used to easily do.

2) No matter how much mescal seems like a good idea at the time, it just never is. (after four decades, those worms are still nasty).

3) So, it turns out there is a bar in Scottsdale that has live singing and dancing midgets. The Britney Spears midget was every bit as nasty as the fucking mescal worm.

4) I may have to rethink that propofol shit Michael Jackson mainlined, cause nothing, I mean nothing, works for shit. Just blinking my eyes causes unimaginable excruciating pain.

5) Falling asleep on the pool diving board is not a sound plan. Don’t think I was there that long, but then the sun started coming up. Damn near rolled into the pool.

Okay, I’m a gonna post this now cause that uppity Wheel woman is bugging me. She called my telephone this morning. That was rude, sounded like a freaking air raid siren rattling in my head. Then she started asking me questions and stuff; that didn’t work well. So, Sparty just ran off about 16 points and took the lead against Russell Wilson and the Wisconsin Badgers. Great game so far. Except that grounding in the endzone crap. That wasn’t good. Aw ferchristsakes, freaking Sparty just blocked a kick and recovered the ball in the endzone for another touchdown right before the end of the first half. Jeebus.

So, MORE TEBOW to come. I’ll bet Baby Jesus could cure my head.

57 replies
  1. emptywheel says:

    Aright. FINALLY he did something with this post stub.

    I honestly threatened to post a picture of Qaddafi and say it was really him after he rolled off the diving board.

    If you want to see a good football game, turn to ESPN. Because the Spartans have scored 23 points in a row, with a pick, a safety, and blocked field goal and punt.

    Should be a good game, if WI can get back in it.

  2. Jim White says:

    @emptywheel: We don’t need no stinkin’ Badgers coming back. (Can’t have a Big 10 -2 school threatening to be in the BCS championship game; it’s just too boring the way they get blown out.)

    Tennessee played a great first half at Alabama (6-6 at halftime!), but they’re reverting to form now and prolly will lose by 30 or so.

  3. P J Evans says:

    For headaches like that, I recommend sleep. Also, alternating Tylenol and aspirin makes both of them work better (take two of one, wait two hours, take two of the other, wait two hours, repeat).

  4. emptywheel says:

    Dude, you put up a YouTube that has one of our favorite way of torturing a detainee to death in it (whatever happened to John Durham’s investigation of Manadel al-Jamadi’s death. Oh, never mind).

  5. Bob Schacht says:

    Geez, bmaz, you’re acting like a friggin undergraduate at Wisconsin. You gotta understand your current condition– um scratch that. I meant you’re current stage in life! You’re supposed to be getting older and wiser!

    Anyways, I don’t know why folks are so excited about that Tebow kid. Give him a few weeks and they’ll be howling to bring Orton back.

    But I’m watching the World Series, and the Rangers seem to be channeling the 2006 Tigers, while the Cardinals are putting up football-sized scores. They’re ahead, two touchdowns to two field goals. But the Cards did get a bad call from the first base umpire, calling Holliday safe at first when he was clearly tagged out by almost a full stride. OK, take off that extra point.

    Bob in AZ

  6. emptywheel says:

    Wow. What a game.

    And while I was rooting for the Badgers, Kudos to MSU for cutting their stupid penalties by about 10,746% in a week.

  7. emptywheel says:

    Also, if I’m not mistaken, Randiego is in Texas Tech country today with his wife. If so, he picked a good weekend.

  8. RallySquirrel (formerly 4jkb4ia) says:

    The stars at night
    Are big and bright
    Deep in the heart of Texas
    The Pujols sky
    Is wide and high
    Deep in the heart of Texas

    May also change my name to 4dfb4nlcs. Haven’t decided yet.

    (I CANNOT get within three miles of Balloon Juice. I will be so insufferable I will get thrown out of two blogs in a week for the same reason. I don’t see why there is any reason anyone should be allowed to live down calling Tony LaRussa the whiniest asshole in baseball six years and one political party ago /s)

  9. rosalind says:

    hey, did ya miss the part where i said i DELETED my supposition that you were face down in a tequila bottle somewhere in the vicinity of your pool cabana. sheesh.

    headed into the restaurant with Stanford up 17 – 14, exited dinner with Stanford having demolished Washington 65 – 21. cue band: All Right Now

  10. GulfCoastPirate says:

    I only got to watch the last quarter of that MSU game but that was a terrific finish. I’m still a little perplexed though as to what they saw to overturn the call on the field. Didn’t look very conclusive to me.

  11. scribe says:


    This promises to be a sorta-boring weekend in the No Fun League.

    The Patsies are off.
    The Owboys are facing and likely to roll over St. Loo. (Unlike that other Texas-St. Loo matchup.)
    My Stillers are looking forward to playing the Cardinals. As the Pgh paper noted, the Cards’ two outside linebackers are both old and slow and, as former Stillers, will surely be particular targets for opprobrium (and worse).
    The J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS host the Bolts, another of those games where I would love both teams to lose.
    The Kitties-Dirty Birds matchup might be interesting.

    And I’m grumpy today. I missed with both frickin’ barrels an easy, straightaway shot at a nice pheasant yesterday for no good reason, spent the day wearing (and airing) myself out and getting only wet feet and tired for my trouble, so it’s some trap practice this morning, and nothin’ special on the dinner table.

    And, BMAz, anyone who’s still into pounding mezcal at your age deserves everything he gets. Including the Britney Spears midget. (Eesh. What won’t people do for money.) So don’t look to me for sympathy – I’ve shown the ability to learn from my mistakes.

  12. emptywheel says:

    @scribe: I’m looking forward to the Bolts game. The Bolts have uncharacteristically started strong. So we’ll see if they can beat their cast-offs.

    And you forgot to mention the one of several pathetic night games of the year, featuring a very strong team against the still winless Colts. The NFL is gonna rewrite their scheduling rules after this year, I figure, for cases when a team goes from top to bottom with one neck surgery.

  13. Jim White says:

    The true believers are saying that the stars are aligning for Tebow Christ. Before the start of the season, the Dolphins chose to improve attendance at today’s game by honoring the 2008 National Champion Florida Gators at halftime. That means, yes, Tebow Christ, on the day he starts his first NFL game, will be honored at halftime by the opposing team.

    How many other NFL quarterbacks have ever been honored by the opposing team at halftime on the day of their first start? Yeah, I knew you could say zero. Face it bmaz, the kid is pre-ordained.

  14. emptywheel says:

    @Jim White: If he were pre-ordained, he would have saved bmaz from himself so bmaz, too, could honor him on his first day on the job.

    Instead, the powers that be struck bmaz down for even entertaining the thought that Tebow was the One True QB.

  15. JTMinIA says:

    After breaking his Citreon in France (of all places), Loeb comes back and wins in Spain to take the lead in WRC with one event remaining. Meanwhile, a Scooby STi wraps up P-WRC (the class for almost-stock cars) using the driver that won last year in an Evo X, showing that it’s the man, not the machine, that really matters.

  16. rosalind says:

    Tbogg up with his post on the subject: There Will Be TeBlood

    For those of you in war-torn countries or possibly praying that your doctor calls with good news about your tests … you’re just going to have to suck it for three hours because Jesus needs to make sure that Timmy finishes the day with a quarterback rating over 105.

    *spew alert on the graphic accompanying said post – an oldie but goodie

  17. Bob Schacht says:

    I missed the Wisconsin-MSU game because I was watching World Series football (score-wise), but it musta been a heckuva game. Perhaps now folks will wake up and realize that those MSU kids are for real, and that last week’s destruction of Michigan wasn’t necessarily the beginning of Michigan’s ritualized mid-season swoon that has been established in the past few years. Whether Michigan recovers or not remains to be seen, but MSU should now get a top ten rating.

    Bob in AZ

  18. Bob Schacht says:

    Hey, howcum the Wheeler page can’t remember where you were when you refresh? When the refresh finishes, I find myself back in the weeds somewhere, and have to scroll down to find out where I was when I hit the refresh button.

    Bob in AZ

  19. rosalind says:

    arrgh! what the Lord giveth, CBS taketh away. after 1/2 hour of Tebow tease, at 10am they abruptly switched to the San Diego/Jets game.

    for those of you blessed, gonna need regular updates.

  20. KWillow says:

    Its a long shot, but I discovered accidentally (and later met others who’d tried it) that, ah-hem! cough! (looking at ceiling) putting ice up (or down) the nose can sooth a migraine… During one bad bad bad headache session, I slowly ate about a pint of Lemon Sorbet. Took 45 minutes but the roof of my mouth was quite numb, and the headache eased up quite a bit.

  21. JohnLopresti says:

    I did not see the reviews, but I wonder if Harbaugh, Jim, saw some unsportspersonlike strategies which engendered the excessive handshake last week at the 9ers v lion. Sometimes US footbol reminds me of basketball in that way, lumnbering poise while clunking into some poor opponent. Like the way Nixon ‘had to win’ by tarring Voorhis with the brush of perseveration.

    As for the worm problem, I suggest several weeks of dawn to dusk cattle herding. The fine, cool breeze of morning; the need for alacrity; exercise which elicits ample motion of the lungs while stretching muscles as bovines pursue one another in sport. Equitation could serve as a cure, except for the rattling of the entire frame. I advise avoiding electronic music, however. Just let life serve as the natural salve.

  22. sojourner says:

    1) I’m too old for the kind of party expedition work I used to easily do.

    I sincerely hope you are not just finding this out my friend!

    3) So, it turns out there is a bar in Scottsdale that has live singing and dancing midgets. The Britney Spears midget was every bit as nasty as the fucking mescal worm.

    Just wondering (provided you remember)…Was she clothed?

    So, Sparty just ran off about 16 points and took the lead against Russell Wilson and the Wisconsin Badgers. Great game so far. Except that grounding in the endzone crap. That wasn’t good. Aw ferchristsakes, freaking Sparty just blocked a kick and recovered the ball in the endzone for another touchdown right before the end of the first half. Jeebus.

    Herein lies your whole problem — a total absence of real football! That will cause a HUGE, HUGE headache!! I mean, the SEC is where it is, and I am SO loving this season, what with LSU being ranked #1 and all…

    Get well!

  23. scribe says:

    Fans righteously booing the Kitties off the field at half. The only positive the Lions can claim out of this is, if they were the Iggles, the fans would be throwing stuff at them in addition to booing.

  24. Bay State Librul says:

    Theo, like Brady has a horse shoe up his arse.
    A lucrative contract he did snatch from the Cubbies.

    Memo to Sox hierarchy:

    Announce a ten percent reduction in ticket prices.
    Sell Lackey to the Padres.
    Boycott one game, so sell out streak is broken.
    Hire Billy Martin.
    Say a good act of contrition and
    celebrate Fenway’s 100th season

  25. RallySquirrel (formerly 4jkb4ia) says:

    Today we have learned that Tim Tebow can make it exciting against a dreadful football team.

  26. orionATL says:

    bmaz –

    jesus teebow has risen –

    to the occasion,

    and so, bmaz, like lazurus,

    you too will rise from the dead

    (though maybe not until tommorrow morning).

    go! and sin no more.

    all rise and sing:

    ……amazing grace
    ……i once was blind,
    ……but now i see

  27. emptywheel says:

    Damnit. I step away from my TV and all my games go south: Kitties lose, Jets win, Baby Jesus rises from the dead.

  28. scribe says:

    Mmmmm. Stillers get a safety.

    I, for one, relish remembering that the first points the Stillers ever scored in a Super Bowl were on a safety. Set the tone for decades to come.

    OT – possibly even more annoying than mere popup ads, are popup ads with a soundtrack.

    Sorta OT: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/11296/1184024-66-0.stm

    Worth thinking about.

    What got into the Chiefs?? And the Raiders?

  29. RallySquirrel (formerly 4jkb4ia) says:

    And you thought Mitchell Boggs could be trusted. It was not true, and was a damned shame, because Jackson pitched his heart out.

  30. orionATL says:

    i didn’t see qb cam newton beat my ex-beloved redskins, but i watched him play earlier.

    the guy throws a beautiful pass and he can run (how’s that possible for a guy that big? don’t know, maybe athletic ability has something to do with it)

    he’s too big to be michael vick, but he may end up being more effective that vick can ever hope to be,

    and the premier qb in the nfl in 2-4 yrs.

  31. Petrocelli says:

    1. bmaz, you’ve set the bar for Blog Titles with this one – Tebow Christ Superstar

    2. “Come to Jesus” just took on a whole ‘nother meaning … Linky

  32. JohnT says:

    Hey phred, the offer for Aaron Rodgers still stands *g*

    Actually I like Ponder though. Of the QB’s in the draft, I thought Ponder and Dalton would have the best chance to succeed.

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