January 13, 2012 / by bmaz


Divisional Playoff Trash – One Way Out Version

I must sincerely, and profusely, apologize for my negligence, carelessness, recklessness and, in general, sins of all varieties that resulted in the physical, emotional, and galactic damages resulting from THIS HIDEOUS NIGHTMARE! There is only one way out of this weekend for teams whose quest is the SuperBowl (just win baby) and there is only one way out of the, admittedly fair, doghouse I am in. Say yes to the Allman Brothers, and NO to Brady Pron, the overly joyous musical video.

So that nobody has to traumatize themselves with said offending Tom Brady Porn Video again, ever, in the history of humanity (or at least until I piss Marcy off again), here is what the itinerant, but knowledgeable one had to say there:

Pats, Packers, Ravens, NOLA. That’s who I’m taking.

In the bracket I did before the playoffs, I said the Stillers would eliminate the Pats in this round. And while I do think the lack of snow in Foxboro is actually proof that god invented climate change so as to help Tim Tebow avoid snow at Gillette stadium–with real weather, there’d be little chance he’d look like the QB he played on TV last week, without it, he can certainly do some damage against the worst D in football! But I do think the Pats can beat Baby Jesus. Or maybe I’m just hoping that the rule–which thus far has held up–that True Evil always beats Baby Jesus still holds.

I think the Gents–who will face real weather at Lambeau (the goddess has finally blessed us Midwesterners with snow)–stand a really good shot at the Packers. They certainly have the best D in the playoffs–and perhaps the best D in the NFL–to shut down the Packers, particularly if it gets sloppy at all. Still, tough to beat against the Packers here. But I’ve been trash talking about how well that other UM standout player, Charles Woodson, has held up over the years, so I’m gonna suggest that he brings out the Bad Eli.

The Texans looked pretty great last week, and QB position aside, they’re finally beginning to get healthy. But TJ Yates has yet to make the intimate acquaintance of the Ravens D, and playoff games are not the time to do so. So I take the Ravens.

I think the toughest game of the weekend, though, is the NOLA-9ers game. A few weeks ago, I said we’d have a repeat HarBowl for the Super Bowl. I’d still be happy to watch that one. But I’m feeling really good about the Saints this weekend, slow grass and scary outdoors and all. Besides the fact, this is one game where I’d be happy no matter who wins.

Okay, bmaz back here again. In all honesty, I was warned that you, our kind readers and friends, might be harmed by the evil force that would post a weapon of mass derision like the Brady Pron. And I was a bad man for not stopping such grievous mass suffering. So, I will repent by giving some really crappy competing analysis of the Divisional Playoff weekend games.

First off, if you watch ESPN, you would think the only game going this weekend is the Baby Jesus Bowl at Foxborough. But that is not even close to the best game on the slate, which is the Cheese and Gents. The Giants are the “it team” of the moment as they seem to be peaking at the right time, actually played last weekend so are in people’s minds and, well, they are from New Yawk. Giants have a resurgent running game, a gelling defense with Jean Pierre-Paul and Usi Umenyiora up front and a fairly solid crew behind them. And Good and/or Bad Eli. Which has all hypnotized and mesmerized people into forgetting about L’il ‘ole Aaron Rodgers, Gregg Jennings and the Packer offense. Oh, and the Cheesers have both of their stud offensive linemen back now, as well as both James Starks and Ryan Grant healthy. You think Clay Matthews and Charles Woodson might not want to make a statement? I think they will; Gents will be tough, but this game is gonna be played on the Frozen Tundra at Lambeau. That spells Go Pack go!

The second best game is the other NFC game, Saints at 49ers. Again, the popular wisdom is that the awesome defense of the Niners will strangle Drew Brees, Darren Sproles and the Borg like Saints offense. Their defense is not what it once was, but adequate. The game is outdoors at The Stick, which does indeed help SF and take a little speed off the Saints. But I dunno, I am taking the Saints here. Niners are solid and are going to be for years to come, but not yet; not against Drew Breeeees.

Coming in at number 3 is the Texans at Ravens. You know who Baltimore is, Ray Ray Lewis, Terrell Suggs and Easy Ed Reed. But the Ravens’ offense depends on Joe Flacco and Ray Rice; if one does not get going the other often does not. That has proven to be a tricky proposition in playoff games. Houston has a stout D, both front and back, and their offense is quite good at running, receiving and line. The only weak link is QB where the Ravens are led by rapidly improving TJ Yates. I like the Texans better than most in this game; cannot pick them to win, but I will rate it a genuine tossup.

Last in actual football factors, but first in the hearts and minds of all Baby Jesus freaks everywhere, comes the Donkos at Foxborough, the home of Bill Bel, Bieber Brady, Wes Welker, the Gronk and…..someone, I guess, on defense. The loss of Eric Decker is a bigger negative than let on by the media, despite the emergence of Demaryius Thomas in Denver’s miracle wildcard win over the Stillers. I think this is a better game than many think, may even be close, but it is just hard to see the Donks besting the Gronks in a second round playoff game. Just don’t see it. Do you believe in miracles?

Well, there is your lineup. Sorry about that whole ugly Brady pron thing. I am still shuddering. Nasty stuff. All that said, I come out at about the same place as Marcy on the predictions. Game on!

Copyright © 2012 emptywheel. All rights reserved.
Originally Posted @ https://www.emptywheel.net/2012/01/13/divisional-playoff-trash-one-way-out-version/