Madame Defargewheel’s Football Guillotine Trash Talk

So, I heard on the radios today that the “sharps”, “insiders” and other “experts” were calling this weekend a “guillotine” because there were so many make or break games in both college and pros. Seasons on the chopping block and whatnot. I was doing about 85 with the sunroof open and did not quite catch who it was blathering this bunk, but it struck my fancy. What the hell, make it so, this is hereby now “Guillotine Week!” Hard to think about guillotines without good old Madame Defarge sitting there knitting. Knitting. Endlessly knitting. So, thus the title theme of Defarge and guillotines. Nothing but the most wholesome fare for our readers!

Okay, so we lead off this week with probably the most compelling game of the year, the Michigan Wolverweenies at the Northwestern Fighting Journalists. Hahahaha, just kidding. Nope, the game of the week is right here at Sun Devil Stadium where Notre Dame will be taking on the ASU Sun Devils. I will be rooting for the home team of course, but they have their work cut out for them. For starters, while ASU has had a decent team over the years, every time they have been on a big stage with real glory there for the taking, they get killed. Take last year’s Pac-12 Championship game against Stanford for instance. It is just a fact, the Devils don’t show up when the lights are the brightest.

So, will the pattern of big game disappointment hold again this afternoon? Both teams are 7-1, and they are ranked 9 and 10 in the polls currently. ASU’s loss was a blowout to UCLA, the Irish loss was a nail biter to Florida State. The Irish are two and a half point favorites. ASU’s defense is good, but will be missing their best defensive tackle, Jaxon Hood. They also have an annoying tendency of giving up big plays, and Everett Golson is one hell of a QB, both on the ground and in the air. The 2.5 spread on this game feels too small. Taylor Kelly, the Devils starting QB has just not been that good in the two games coming back from a month off with a foot injury. Honestly, Mike Bercovici, who filled in when Kelly was out, is a lot better passing quarterback, and ASU needs that vertical ability. Sad to say, but I think ASU is in for yet another big stage failure.

The other top shelf guillotine game in the college ranks is Ohio State at Michigan State. This game, like ASU and Notre Dame is a knockout round for consideration for the big playoff picture. A one loss B1G conference champ will likely get one of the four playoff bids, and one of these teams is going to be out of the race after this game. The Spartans just feel like a superior team to the Sweatervests, and are at home, so they look good here. The third chopping block matchup is Kansas State at the TCU Horned Frogs. Both teams have only one loss and they are ranked 6 and 7 in the country respectively. TCU really rolls up big scores, but they seem flaky for some reason. I am taking Kansas State in an upset. In other news, SEC studs ‘Ole Miss is playing some powerhouse known as the Presbyterian Blue Hose. Seriously, the Blue Hose?

In the pros, the Browns already laid an ass whuppin on the favored Bengals in Cinci. And the solid play of Brian Hoyer has started rumors that Cleveland will trade Johnny Football, maybe to the Cowboys (and we know Jerry Jones still pines for him). The first guillotine game is the 49ers at Saints. Both teams are 4-4. A loss hurts San Fran more than New Orleans because going to 4-5 would put the Niners in a huge hole in the NFC West, where the Saints would still be in competition in the woeful NFC South. I think the Saints roll at home i the dome. The Fish at the Lions has an air of importance about it too. Miami is quietly on a roll with their offense starting to be as solid as their defense. Detroit is at 6-2 and near the top of the NFC, but they are desperate to keep their lead on Green Bay, who is home at Lambeau against the Bears. The Chiefs at Bills is another game that seems to be a turning point for both teams. I think the Chiefs pull off the road win.

Also on tap is the Brazilian Grand Prix at Interlagos. Hamilton seems to have locked up the drivers crown, although Rosberg is still within range. Hard to see Nico pulling it off though, he just can’t get his early season momentum back. In other news, the arbitration hearing on Ray Rice was held over the course of two full days on Wednesday and Thursday. There is a gag order, ad therefore little hard information, but it does seem that Ozzie Newsome backed up Rice regarding Rice having been honest and fully disclosing to Goodell. Goodell was crossed by Jeff Kessler, who is very good, for over two hours. That must have been interesting.

Okay, there you have it. Music this week by the late great Warren Zevon.

110 replies
  1. emptywheel says:


    Yeah, the Kitties go through a tough period. Are they for real? They haven’t shown up on offense yet.


    As for the B1G showdown–the one that matters–it’s a perfect rainy football day here in the mitten. That game outta be fun.



  2. Jim White says:

    I’m still scratching my head over how Muschamp avoided the guillotine last week. We had him set up perfectly for it, but somehow the team he put on the field played really well. It would be just like his teams to then go out today and really stink it up at hapless Vandy, but I just can’t predict anything about these guys at this point. I’ll just sit back here watching and wishing I knew how to knit.

  3. masaccio says:

    We’ll see how good the ND defense is. Navy ran up 39 points and made the D look terrible. I haven’t seen ASU play this season, but surely they have a better offense than Navy.

    See, I can poormouth with the best of them.

    • bmaz says:

      No way hoser, my team sucks WAY more than yours! I will try to check in, but have to get in shower and get ready to go. Should be wild. If I get any good pics, I will send them to Marcy so she can put them in the post.

    • What Constitution? says:

      A tad self-effacing, Mr. bmaz. 31-3 ASU in the middle of the second quarter? Is this this college Notre Dame team, or some high school squad from Vermont?

  4. Peterr says:

    “Hahahaha, just kidding.”
    I’d be careful about that laughter, bmaz, as Madame DeFargewheel is known to wield her knitting needles in a rather vicious fashion.

  5. What Constitution? says:

    I guess that the real takeaway from this is how much better than ND the Gutty Little Bruins of UCLA must be, huh

  6. Ed Walker says:

    Irish D suffering; Irish O suffering; ASU and bmaz glorying.

    Meanwhile, speaking of overrated (and I’m something of an expert on that) Auburn almost as ugly.

  7. CTuttle says:

    Dayam, sounds like Tempe is rawking tonite…! ;-)

    I had to keep switching between the Aggies-Auburn upset and bmaz’s Devils raising holy hell with the Irish…! I saw snippets of the Weenies barely scrape by the Fightin’ Journalists…! Go Sparty…! ;-)

    • Peterr says:

      I couldn’t watch, as church commitments had me otherwise occupied, but in the pregame I heard one of the announcers say that the FJs had something like 25 injuries to their scholarship athletes this season (thus far). I knew that there had been various players go down, but never had totaled it up like this. Yuck.
      And kudos to Fitzgerald for deciding to go for two. That’s the old linebacker mentality that won him not one but two Bronko Nagurski and Chuch Bednarik awards. Even if they didn’t get it, I’m glad they went for it.
      Hail to the #^$%! victors . . .

        • Peterr says:

          “Almost” is the ugliest word in Trash Talk. The ugliest two words are “if only . . .”
          Meanwhile, in Fort Worth, it’s not looking good for those Other Wildcats. Given that I’ve got a number of parishioners who are rabid K-State folks, I may have to do some serious pastoral care tomorrow.

          • bmaz says:

            Yeah Padre, K State did not help me out much there. I wanted and needed the Wildcats to take out pesky TCU. But nooooooooo.

  8. Ed Walker says:

    My singing group had an early call and I had to leave before the end of that disaster in the desert. We sang the Rutter Gloria with 22 singers, mostly trained opera people, with full brass and a honking big organ. We did better than the Irish.

  9. bmaz says:

    Rise and shine lugnuts! If I can be up and semi-functioning (stress on the “semi”), you can too! Sadly my iPhone reception, and then battery, went due south not long after the game yesterday. So, you missed out on the conga line down Mill Avenue, the tequila shots, the hookup with somewhat chunky porn stars, the food and, finally, a nightcap at the birthplace of Carl Trumbell Hayden. Maybe, even more than Barry Goldwater, the most influential politician out of Arizona. Carl Hayden among other things, was the original sponsor of the Constitutional Amendment to allow women to vote. His birthplace is still standing at old Hayden’s Crossing in downtown Tempe and has quite the history. Carly Hayden served in the US House and Senate a combined 56 years and was quite a man.

  10. bmaz says:

    This KITTEHS game is all kinds of compelling and, yet, there is no Madame Defargewheel to talk about her Big Mitten own.
    I dunno what to take away from this.
    Also, the Jets Jets Jets are seriously bombing the Stillers. What’s up with that??

    • bmaz says:

      Well, you know, Marcy’s Kittehs have strange and powerful last second FG things going on. Like Kitteh voodoo.

  11. emptywheel says:

    That was nerve-wracking. Yeah Kitties.

    Lombardi’s O didn’t play well enough to beat the Cardinals in AZ (or the Pats in New England).

    But I’ll take it.

    • bmaz says:

      You gotta be kidding me. Yer pulling that lemon sucking junk from a FIRST QUARTER Rayduhs lead while Spidey is helping the Cards to a big drive?? Fer shame!

      • emptywheel says:

        Tell ya, Peyton was looking all noodly for a while there.

        And then he remembered he needs to play this game.

  12. CTuttle says:

    Dayam, how on Earth did the Stillers lose to the Jets Jets Jets…? ;-)

    LemonSuckingFace will get the job done, Marcy, meanwhile the For Real Fins gave your Kitties quite the scare, eh…?

    Meanwhile, Lil Bro Eli is looking good against the Squawks…!

    • emptywheel says:

      Fins Kitties game went about like I expected (having watched the Fins kill the Pats), though I was definitely not all that confident we’d win it.

      • CTuttle says:

        Kudos to the Kitties…! I was disappointed with the hard fought 9er’s-Aints game being decided upon a Cool Brees fumble…!

        Btw, 34-10, Sucky Face’s noodly arm seems to be al dente…! ;-)

  13. Valley girl says:

    CT, p.s. I thought the Queen vid and song were marginally appropriate to a sports thread. btw, do you remember SteveAudio, or was he before your time?

  14. Valley girl says:

    I’ve never met SteveAudio in person, but he’s turned out to be one of my greatest friends. Weird the way the internet works. He’s responsible for most of my education in popular music, including giving me a clue about Queen.

  15. emptywheel says:

    So, uh, bmaz…

    The Bidwills sign a check, start yapping about building around Palmer, and it takes his knee out?

  16. Peterr says:

    I think the Chiefs pull off the road win.

    Got that one right, bmaz.
    But I couldn’t help notice that while you mentioned the game between Teh Heads of Cheese and Da Bears, you did not venture a guess as to who will win. Losing faith in Teh Cheese?
    My pick: Da Bears by 5.

        • emptywheel says:

          Uh, don’t you realize when a Stiller lover Jets hater who has had a very very bad day is yanking your chain to bring you down too?

          • bmaz says:

            I want to be that sensitive, but I may not get teh humor.
            On another note, Aaron Rodgers’ hamstring just threw an across the body bullet TD pass.

            • Peterr says:

              Could it be that the conga line, tequila, chunky porn stars, food, and nightcap last night continue to play havoc with your sense of humor?

              • bmaz says:

                This is the first instance of anybody picking up on the “chunky porn stars” portion of the evening. It was sooooo sad my iPhone was fritzed during that critical period.

                • Peterr says:

                  Have you checked their twitter feeds? There may be some photos there, with captions like “Wow — I met the famous lawyer-blogger-Cheeseheadlover bmaz!”
                  Or, you know, not. But if you don’t do the . . . ahem . . . research, you’ll never know.

                • scribe says:

                  re the chunky porn stars.
                  Were these specialists working in the fat- … well, you know? Or were these just out-of-shape folks who might have taken off their clothes at some time in the past and were using that as a good way of starting cocktail party conversation.
                  You know: “I’m a porn star.” (haven’t worked in years since I started down the path of buffet-busters, but I did take off my clothes once….)
                  Or are you, in coordination with the tequila, just making up shit again?

                  • phred says:

                    I was wondering just how long bmaz had known those former porn stars… Mighta been that he just recognized them again ; )

          • scribe says:

            Now that the housework is done, I can pay attention to the game. As Chris and Al said: “this is a proud franchise that is being totally humiliated tonight”. About Brandon Marshall’s locker room tirade post a loss “I’m not sure there have been enough of those this year.”

            Great. A stinker.

            My local dairy has started eggnog season (actually, a couple weeks ago) and I gave in today. Theirs is the consistency, richness and flavor of fine vanilla ice cream and, when laced with an ample amount of good rye whiskey, makes a nightcap whose good qualities far exceed tequila, food and chunky porn stars.

            While my Stillers lost today to the fucking J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS, I don’t feel as badly about it as I might. A club I’m a member of honored (probably) its most senior member for Veterans’ Day. He’s a Pearl Harbor Survivor – was a 21 y/o PBY pilot at Ford Island that day and fought through the entire Pacific War. Midway (I think), definitely the Solomons, etc. Still active, still living independently, though he had to stop shooting trap this past spring. Came with his new girlfriend. We all should make out so well.

            In that light, my Stillers losing a game … doesn’t amount to that much.

            • CTuttle says:

              This 20 yr vet salutes ya both, scribe…! *g*

              This game is outright fugly already…! Da Bearz are getting their arses whupped on National TeeVee…! ;-)

            • phred says:

              Great story scribe, thanks for that. I love football, but it is just a game. Glad the hubby and I missed the Stillers today, didn’t look like it was too much fun.
              And CTut, thanks for the link to that astonishing 178 yard play. I wouldn’t have guessed that it was even possible to get so many yards on one snap.

    • Peterr says:

      Or it’s Da Cubs.
      But speaking of the Domers . . . following on the heels of the Fighting Journalists stunning non-takedown of the Wolvereenies, they go after the Golden Domers next week. Bmaz, that cabinet in the corner better be full again come Saturday . . .

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