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Super Bowl 50 Trash Talk

It’s the most wonderful time of the year again…..Super Bowl time! Yet, for all the incessant hype, this one feels a little flat to me. Maybe it is because I so wanted the Cardinals to be there. Maybe it is because, just as much, if not more, I wanted the Patriots there so as to drive bilious jackass Roger Goodell crazy. Maybe it is because the thought of cobbled together halftime show of Coldplay, Bruno Mars and Beyonce makes me want to vomit. What, was Nickelback not available? Maybe it is the fact that ESPN seems to have cloned the unctuous Stephen A. Smith so that he can annoyingly be on their air 24 hours a day for the last two weeks. Maybe it is because I have heard horror stories from pretty much every person I know in the Bay area about how interrupted and on security lockdown status the entire area has been. Maybe it is because everybody thinks it will be a blowout, like Super Bowls of yore, instead of a great game like last year.

But all griping aside, the game is nigh. Two truly superb defenses. For all the talk of Denver’s kick ass defense, Carolina strikes me as being nearly as good, with excellent strength in all three levels. Allen and Johnson upfront, Kuechly and Davis in the middle and Josh Norman on the back end. That is pretty damn formidable. The rest of the Carolina DB’s are decent, but not great, and if Manning is going to make hay, that’s where it will probably be. So, while the Broncos may have a slight edge on defense, it really is slight.

Which brings us to the offense. The conventional wisdom is that Carolina is overwhelmingly superior, and that is were the game is lost. Frankly, that is probably right. The Donks won, but certainly didn’t light the field up against the Pats, who have a good defense, but nothing like the Panthers have. But Manning has two more weeks of relative rest and practice. Several people watching him are saying he looks as good or better than at any time this year. That is good news as he was mostly horrible this year. I think Manning has a little magic left in him and will play well. Will it be enough? I wouldn’t bet on it. The current line is Panthers by 5.5. Both teams have all players as probable or better, so come in healthy and ready to go.

What else is up in random sports musings? Johnny Football is officially Johnny Fucked now. When even your father is saying you are on a death track, it’s bad. The Dallas cops took the report from his rather bizarre reported incident and then promptly announced the investigation was closed and there would be no charges. I am not privy to how it came to be closed without charges with a report containing such bad facts. But, generally, my experience is it means that the alleged victim was seen as not particularly credible AND indicated she didn’t want to cooperate in prosecution. The facts reported would appear to indicate both misdemeanor and felony conduct if believed. Cops and prosecutors still charge that if they truly believe the complainant, whether she wants to cooperate or not. So, my bet is there is a credibility issue. But, suddenly yesterday, Crowley got a restraining order and told the cops she wants to cooperate, and the “investigation” is reopened. We shall see what comes of it all, but the whole thing is pretty sad. Looks to me like Manziel and his ex-girlfriend Crowley both need some serious help. Let’s hope they get it.

Noticed how so many ads surrounding the Super Bowl refer to “The Big Game” instead of “The Super Bowl”? I have, and it turns out there is a reason. Could it be that Goodell and the NFL are sociopathic jackass asshole bullies? Of course. From BostInno:

The obvious reason for this is that the NFL fiercely protects its brand, allowing only a handful of “official sponsors” who pay exorbitant fees to use the term Super Bowl. Everyone else risks trademark infringement if they say Super Bowl. This is why most choose to say “big game” instead.

“But the NFL is a bully and has been known to send cease & desist letters to advertisers of all sizes using “Super Bowl,” and when you get a C&D from someone known to be litigious and to have really deep pockets, you usually cease and desist.”

Is there really legal precedent clearly on the NFL’s side here? No, of course not. The better argument is that it is an ubiquitous phrase and incidental use of it is “fair use”. But no one wants to take on supremely litigious assholes like Goodell and the NFL, so they all cower. By the way, a Stanford study found that Super Bowl ads are an ineffective waste of money in most instances.

In more Goodell and NFL assholery, at this big Super Bowl press conference, Goodell got asked about the data and results from the league’s year long ball inflation testing. Well, that was just another #Deflategate lie from Goodell and the league, like everything else they put forward against Brady and the Pats in #Deflategate was a lie. When the excellent Tom Curran of CSN asked Goodell about the league data, boy did he get a load of horseshit from Goodell:

Aren’t you glad we got to the bottom of that PSI thing with White Shoes Goodell?

Brutal.

His 309-word answer when I asked at his Friday press conference what constitutes a ball pressure violation and whether any balls measured under 12.5 PSI in 2015 was a study in deflection.

He didn’t so much answer as he did orally ejaculate syllables for a prescribed length of time before he felt safe to go on to a stuttering query about whether the Pro Bowl will ever be played in Austria.

Before I left the ballroom where Goodell held his press conference at a dais made up like an altar, I realized – with some help – that the NFL doesn’t care about PSI.

They don’t care to know how much air pressure a football will lose on a 28-degree evening with freezing rain or on a crisp 46-degree day under bright sunshine.

They didn’t go into the 2015 season trying to find out if they’d convicted Tom Brady of a crime he didn’t commit.

So, #Deflategate was the giant fraud I said it was from the get go? Yes. And it continues to so be.

Gronk is at the Super Bowl. Here he is, with brother no less, in a Buffalo Wild Wings chicken wing eating contest. Here he is giving a lap dance to a rather attractive Fox Sports reporter, Julie Stewart-Binks, who asked the Gronk about his Magic Mike lap dance prowess. Pretty, uh, wild, but all seemed to genuinely have fun. Perhaps the best take came from Stewart-Binks’ Fox Sports colleague Katie Nolan (who is great):

“It’s Gronk. He’s gonna do what he’s gonna do. He’s a really nice guy who knows what his brand is. People pitch him segments based on his brand, so he won’t be like “NO!” become something might make him look uncool. But I think when were we’re in sports, and there are only so many women, and that’s how a show chooses to use them… I would love a lap dance from Gronk. I wouldn’t televise it. I wouldn’t use that time to be like, ‘Here’s what it’s like to get a lap dance from Gronk.’ I don’t think anyone meant any harm by it, but the most shared moment from my network today is gonna be a woman getting titty-fucked by Gronk on a couch.”

Anyway, that’s a wrap, enjoy the Super Bowl. Music today by Bob Marley, as requested by our very long time reader and commenter, RadioFreeWill, who I had several beers with last night.

Gronks and Donks Trash Talk Bonanza!

Been a huge week of activity, from the shutdown/default can down the road kicking, to new FISC apologia, to the stunning announcement of a new media venture. So, a lot of stuff, so to speak. Also, my retained palm tree trimmers think my palm trees are too unruly and nasty for their “talents”. Say what you will, the last item is really troubling.

Anyhoo, I hear there are sports afoot this weekend. Let us start with the lead on the title of this post, the Gronk. The Gronk is back baybee! And that means we must celebrate the return of the Gronk jesus. Since those nasty Patriots up and cut Baby Jesus. Brady has basically been pulling shit out of his ass with Julian Edelman and a cast of nobodies. Smurf Amendola still out and proving exactly how valuable Wes Welker really was (hey, even Giselle must want him back by now), but with Gronk back, maybe, just maybe, the Pats can still take the Jets, Jets, Jets. I think they can make Rex suck on Gronk’s toes!

Okay. On to the other NFL games and things of note. Apparently Adrian Foster of the hapless Houston Texans has decided NOW is the time to market his football career via an IPO stock offering. Gosh, I am no Goldman Scrotum Sacks level genius business expert, but maybe when your team sucks ass so bad you are turning to, effectively, your taxi squad quarterback, and the local fans think that is the only possible excitement in sight…maybe you are not an IPO genius. Just saying. And i say this with all love and due respect for our long time friend and matey, teh Gulf Coast Pirate. Arrrrrr, don’t but that there stock matey!

The Iggles will ride Nick Foles again with Michael Vick on the injury bench. Foles was down in the hated Old Pueblo of the Arizona Wildcats for 2.5 years, so I know him well. Kid has a great arm, and lots of natural talent. Never read off coverages so good, and is nowhere near the “mobile” quarterback Chip Kelly relishes. That said, he may well have NFL level talent, but as far as I have ever seen, it is as more of a classic drop back QB. We shall see. I actually think Matt Barkley is a better leader, but who knows what Kelly will do in Philly. If you ask me, Kelly’s QB is not yet on the Eagles.

In memoriam, last rites must be given to Bad Eli and the Lost Gents of The Meadowlands. On a far happier note, HUGE congratulations to our good friend Pachacutec who was able to finally get married thanks to the rapidly un-bigoting of these here United States. I have never been more happy for a betrothed couple. Salute! Unfortunately, the Giants will still suck this year; though there may be a wedding wedding gift from the Vikings if Adrian Peterson is not so pissed and charged up he rambles for 350 yards.

Oh yeah, Gronks at Jets is actually a game. I know the Mistress of the Distressed Song will be along to carp about how Pretty Tom and his band of Edelmans can not POSSIBLY beat Rex Toesuck and the Jets, but I don’t buy it. The Tom and Gronk Show is more fabulous. In other Big Mitten news, the Kittehs should put the Bungles in the litter. Browns are a semi-real deal, but not in Lambeau. Bears and Skins are a pick em. Chefs look to have home cooking. Oh, yeah, about those Donkos in the title of this post. Peyton going back to Indianapolis. Irsay trying to get in Peyton’s giant head. Who will win that? Um, think I will take Peyton’s big head and the Donkos over Irsay’s idiocy. Luck is a keeper, but not this time. Enjoy the Donkos (okay jackasses) in the Canyon music attached hereto.

In the Semi-Pro league, Florida State versus Clemson is by far the class of the offering. Game is prime time and in Clemson’s Death Valley home. Still, I am hard pressed to not pick the Seminoles and their wonder child QB Jamels Winston in an upset. Really tough call; Tajh Boyd is pretty much the match, more experienced, and at home. I have bad misgivings about this, but have a hunch the ‘Noles are on a roll. The Washington huskies are going to be the final straw for the ASU Sun Devils. Game is at Frank Kush Field, but i won’t be there. Huskies are good; Sun Devils an anomaly. Pick em.

As I write and post this, it looks like the Cardinals are cleaning out the Bums, 6-0 in the 5th. for good in Busch Stadium. Bye bye Bums, that pissing in the DBack’s pool was bad karma for you. Who couldda knowd? The Sawx are up 3-2, and have the last two games of the ALCS at home in Fenway. Still, the Tiger’s pitching is a problem. Tigers are coming with Scherzer and Verlander in games 6 and 7. Bad ass stuff there. Sawx counter with Buchholz and Lackey respectively. Not the star glitz of the Tigers’ pitching aces, but not bad at all. In Fenway, if the Sawx can’t win one of the two, they don’t deserve the pennant.

There you go. Let your hair down and trash this post with all your swerve and verve.