Sharktopus Live Extravaganza!

It’s Sharktopus time! Yes, we are taking the Emptywheel blog to new and fantastic heights tonight, all with you, our dear readers, commenters and friends in mind! Watch the world premier of a sure fir Oscar winner, Sharktopus, with us. All you have to do is tune your TeeVee to SyFy Channel at 9:00 pm Eastern, 8:00 pm Central and join us in comments as you watch and imbibe. For those on the west coast, we will be repeating the festivities when you can play at 9:00 pm Pacific, Arizona and FDL time.

The festivities will be led by Eli from FDL, Marcy Wheeler and some special guests, including the very disturbing, yet intriguing, “Mystery Dub”. Since the west coast will not get to see Sharktopus until 9 pm PST/FDL time, the whole event will be repeated with bmaz and, hopefully, some other special guests, celebrities and you!

With no further adieu:

Sharktopus is a killing machine, half shark and half octopus. From the Sharktopus entry in Uncyclopedia:

The sharktopus is tough, but fair. Actually, it’s not fair at all, it’s absolutely merciless and it will just fuck you up! It is also sophisticated, a gourmand and a member of MENSA Elite!!!It is a creature so evil that it was cast from the pits of hell and sent to kill all those who enter the sea. Combining the many rows of serrated teeth found in sharks and the awesome suction cup power of the octopus.

When you venture too close to the ocean, or make the critical error of stumbling into the ocean, you are fucked! The sharktopus will latch on with its tentacles, violate you and then start eating you feet first. It’s believed that it wants you to feel pain, hence the feet first. Man it’s painful, just ask Satan. After it eats you, it then goes after your family.

The sharktopus has three amazing abilities to make its killing arsenal very deadly. Ability the first: it can smell bloodlines. This ability has lead to the extermination of copious amounts of families. And has torn others apart based on bastard children. Nobody is safe. Ability the second: it can go on land when the bloodline vendetta has been announced. Once it has a target it can hunt you down no matter where you are, unless you live in the cloud city of Bespin. Ability the third: it is high skilled in a variety of…skills. Such as its proficiency in Southern Mantis style kung-fu, being adept at handling a variety of firearms, satisfaction of women, (much more after jump) political prowess, fishing, building sand castles, pointing out peoples flaws and the fundamental skill of devouring human flesh. These have made them renowned bounty hunters and mercenaries for the Irish.

This abomination was Satan’s attempt to play god. He thought there was a market for Shark-octopus porn, but that logic was flawed. So very flawed. He didn’t make his actors use protection and 8 weeks later a whole slew of eggs was found. These eggs then hatched (which is what they do) and ate everything else in the aquarium. When they grew up, Satan made the mistake of venturing into their tank and was bitten not once, not twice, but a total of 69 times. Rather than do anything, he simply cast them to Hell 2.0, otherwise known as the Jersey shore. He was quite clearly annoyed with it all.

Word. Sharktopus is the latest, and perhaps greatest, from director and producer Roger Corman.

In Corman’s most active period, he would produce up to seven movies a year. His fastest film was perhaps The Little Shop of Horrors (1960), which was reputedly shot in two days and one night[6]. Supposedly, he had made a bet that he could shoot an entire feature film in less than three days. Another version of the story claims that he had a set rented for a month, and finished using it with three days to spare, thus pushing him to use the set to make a new film (These claims are disputed by others who worked on the film, who have called it part of Corman’s own myth-building). Although highly cost-effective, Corman’s parsimonious approach to filmmaking was not without its critics; Charles B. Griffith, who wrote the original screenplay for Little Shop, later remarked that “[Corman] uses half his genius to degrade his own work, and the rest to degrade the artists who work for him.”

Corman is probably best known for his filmings of various Edgar Allan Poe stories at American International Pictures, mostly in collaboration with writer/scenarist Richard Matheson, including House of Usher (1960), The Pit and the Pendulum (1961), The Premature Burial (1962), Tales of Terror (1962), The Raven (1963), The Haunted Palace (1963), The Masque of the Red Death (1964), and The Tomb of Ligeia (1964). All but Premature Burial starred Vincent Price. After the film version of The Raven was completed, he reportedly realized he still had some shooting days left before the sets were torn down and so made another film; The Terror (1963) on the spot with the remaining cast, crew and sets.

He also directed one of William Shatner’s earliest appearances in a lead role, with The Intruder (1962). Based on a novel by Charles Beaumont, the film, made for approximately USD$80,000, has become famous for its treatment of segregation and civil rights.

In 1970, Corman founded New World Pictures which became a small independently owned production/distribution studio, releasing many cult films such Death Race 2000 (1975), Galaxy of Terror (1981), Children of the Corn (1983), and the Joe Dante film Piranha (1978). Corman eventually sold New World to an investment group in 1983, and later formed Concorde Pictures and later New Horizons.

Corman’s penultimate film as director was 1971’s Von Richthofen and Brown (he had always wanted to make an aviation movie, being a pilot himself). He then returned to directing once more with 1990’s Frankenstein Unbound. In total, Roger Corman has produced over 300 movies and directed over 50.

Sharktopus is a smooth guy, former Miss USA hooked up with him. Sharktopus is an environmentalist; but is a bad boy too, having had a restraining order issued against six out of his eight tentacles. Sharktopus learned his lesson, and is now a fierce court litigator.

So, as you can tell, this is gonna be one hell of a fun time tonight for this grand world premiere! Join us watching drinking and commenting. It is you duty to the world!

  1. Eli says:

    There is absolutely no way that a movie featuring Eric Roberts and a shark-octopus hybrid could be *anything* less than megasuperawesome. The only way it could be better is if it also featured some sort of Eric Roberts-Rutger Hauer hybrid.

    • Eli says:

      Well, we probably have to wait until there’s something to actually liveblog. I was just trying to fire up the crowd some more.

  2. newtonusr says:

    Out here in the Westies, the first warm-up act is “Spring Break Shark Attack”.
    The crowd is getting pumped.

    • Eli says:

      Which is a fine and hilarious movie in its own right. They also aired the superfantastic Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus this morning, but inexplicably passed on Mega Piranha and Malibu Shark Attack.

  3. Eli says:

    The opening theme is surprisingly good. Like, something I would gladly listen to in a non-Sharktopus-eating-people movie context.

  4. scribe says:

    Blonde #2 not eaten b/c she was texting. Surely a commentary on the prevalence of technology in our society.

    This beach is inhabited by only bikini-clad women, And No cellutite to be seen.

    • Eli says:

      But… the blonde who wasn’t texting didn’t get eaten either. She was, in fact, under Sharktopus’s protection.

      Good thing that the devices used to control incredibly deadly monsters are always completely foolproof.

  5. bmaz says:

    Wait is Sweet Judy Blew Lies in this?? I mean, really, I know she is supernaturally preserved and all, but I dunno if I want to see those aspens….

    • emptywheel says:

      It was bound to happen. Everyone else only have Spanish Galleons and or Aztec quarters. Judy Judy Judy is the only one with green. And you know how Judy Judy Judy loves her some Merc.

      SOMEONE’s got to make Pumpkin jealous of Greedy Bastard.

  6. Eli says:

    So if they have some kind of remote-control dot they can use to control Sharktopus, why were they bothering with a harness that can get knocked off in the first place?

    I know, crazy talk.

  7. klynn says:

    I’m so confused. One minute we are blogging about vampire squids, the next sharktopus.

    The image of bungee bait will haunt me for life.

  8. Eli says:

    No one could have anticipated that sending three divers after Sharktopus would be… inadequate.

    Maybe they should have tried paying him off.

  9. Eli says:

    I am becoming increasingly convinced that Sharktopus is actually a highly sophisticated allegorical commentary on the futility of our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

  10. bmaz says:

    I have a message from Sharktopus:

    I’m not a killer and it isn’t random. They have framed me. DAMN YOU ERIC ROBERTS!! #CHOMP

    See, really he is very cuddly.

    • Eli says:

      “But, you *did* eat that bikini beachcomber, did you not?”

      “I can’t recall.”

      “What about the bikini bungee jumper?”

      “It was a very busy time, there was a lot of stuff going on…”

      “We have video footage of you eating two football surfers.”

      “I have been made aware that that may have happened.”

  11. Eli says:

    I like how they’re all upset that the GIANT DEADLY HYBRID SHARK-OCTOPUS’s serotonin levels we’re tweaked to make it more aggressive. It seems to kind of miss the central point…

  12. emptywheel says:

    Andy Flynn the Merc doesn’t realize that pouring blood makes him a terrorist according to the FBI, and therefore a legitimate target for a WMD attack, goddamnit.

  13. Eli says:

    Mega Piranha is awesome, though. At one point the stone-faced hero uses bicycle kicks to fend off a barrage of dog-sized piranhas, and a couple of times later on, giant piranhas start jumping onto land and you see a whole bunch of them sticking out of the tops of buildings headfirst, thrashing their tails around.

    Also: Greg Brady and Tiffany.

  14. Eli says:

    Where exactly does Flynn’s cool sombrero come from? He’s lying on the bottom of the pool hatless, but when he surfaces, he has a sombrero. Is there a hat store somewhere between the pool floor and the surface?

  15. rosalind says:

    I’m here, but don’t know for how long. iPad is taking forever to refresh. Real computer is in room without Syfy.

  16. bmaz says:

    Can you imagine what Sharktopus would do to those middle age Cialis couples in the bathtubs on the beach?

    As George Takei would say “OH MYYYY!”.

  17. Teddy Partridge says:

    Just watched the first seventeen minutes of this thing, entirely on your recommendation, bmaz. We need to talk; I’d like that seventeen minutes back please.

    It is well beyond awful.

  18. Teddy Partridge says:

    oh my god, they actually came back from commercial here on the west coast.

    i expected something like a Eureka marathon might take its place, but no…

    • Teddy Partridge says:

      I had a friend who used to wear an eye patch everywhere he went South of Market. Joey said he got invited to lots more orgies that way. I can see Sharktopus having that kind of popularity, but inverted.

  19. Teddy Partridge says:

    Funny how octopi are territorial and always stay in one place according to Nicole’s pumpkin-dad, but this one went right to PV from Santa Monica.

  20. rosalind says:

    Ok, technology is letting me down tonight. Gonna have to sign off. thx Eli, Marcy, bmaz et al, the comments from the east coast feed are hilarious.

  21. Teddy Partridge says:

    Why aren’t the authorities involved?

    Yet another argument against misplaced Mexican law enforcement resources due to America’s insatiable drug appetite: Just Say Now (to Sharktopus)

  22. Teddy Partridge says:

    And Pez goes for it!

    Gotta wonder whose dick that tattooed actor playing the cameraman is sucking, though.

  23. Teddy Partridge says:

    Nicole has to draw Santos’ attention to cowboy, even though Santos is looking directly at him in the water.

    Wait, don’t they even MISS the other diver? Like, say a prayer or something?

    These people are MONSTERS.

      • Teddy Partridge says:

        Is this one of those films you mention at your next audition, or discretely omit from the resume altogether? I mean, Eric Roberts will be forever associated with it, but I can see the cameraman trying to get a Peter Jackson non-union Hobbit role down under. Should he bring up S-11, or not?

        • Eli says:

          It may depend on just what movie you’re auditioning for, or what role.

          “We’re looking for someone who can really bring the character of Dim-Witted Henchman #2 to life…”

  24. Teddy Partridge says:

    Wait — what does Nicole have to tell cowboy? Why do they always cut away just when it gets interesting?

    Oooh, “shady genetics engineering company with lots of defense contracts….”

    Where’s Marcy?

    • Eli says:

      I suggested that Sharktopus was actually a highly sophisticated allegory for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but Marcy kind of poo-pooed it.

  25. Teddy Partridge says:

    I think the same CGI folks did the S-11 underwater stuff as did Olbermann’s Deepwater Horizon graphics.

  26. Teddy Partridge says:

    Now Cap’n Sleazy has returned from the dead to join our Narrator for popcorn!

    Are there no dramatic boundaries this bold movie won’t trespass against?

      • Teddy Partridge says:

        That’s the kind of contract agreement only a real A-lister agent would negotiate: “Must appear immediately after death in commercial break lead-in with host. Popcorn to be supplied.”

        Oh, my! Monsterwulf! Another Saturday nite liveblog opportunity!

  27. Teddy Partridge says:

    This kind of amateur flagging is just the kind of thing that would enrage a killer Sharktopus. You just watch and see.

    • Teddy Partridge says:

      eli correctly pointed out it’s likely by the same people who did all that awful Tiger animation.

      Hey, why do sponsors think dudes who are watching this on Saturday night have hair loss? WHY?

  28. Teddy Partridge says:

    Damn, cowboy is pissed about that lack of signal.

    “If there’s a shark-octopus hybrid headed our way, can I redeem all my beads at the swim-up cocktail lounge NOW, please?”

  29. Mary says:

    Did I miss the part where a small Japanese boy calls up Godzilla?

    I’m late, but I do know that octopi like big rocks.

  30. Eli says:

    That’s always a touching moment, when a father tells his daughter that he values a deadly shark-octopus hybrid’s life more than hers.

  31. Teddy Partridge says:

    “Then what the hell do I get?”

    That’s the kind of question I want Christiane Amanpour asking more often on Sunday morning.

  32. Mauimom says:

    Damn, why is Sharktopus on during an exciting football game [Oregon vs AZ State]?

    Rats, interception by Oregon for touchback, just as ASU was about to score.

  33. JasonLeopold says:

    These lyrics are amazing (thank you Cheetah Whores!)

    There’s a creep show creature with a double feature

    A freakish beast wants flesh to feast

    A twisted fish eats surfers as a side dish

    When you see the frenzied feeding you will be the next bleeding

    Sharktopus won’t be kept at bay

    And you can never ever ever get away

    So swim on over don’t ya scream and shout

    He’ll getcha baby without a doubt

  34. Mary says:


    A moment of silence for Santos. According to the fine print in the Durbin bill, death by Sharktopus is a path to citizenship.

    You guys were sharking, I was WEGing (World Equestrian Games opening ceremonies)

    • bmaz says:

      Jolly good, did you boomp into Bonny Prince Charles per chance? I hear tell he is quite teh randy fellow! Wot we all wont to know is, did he uibble wit teh Queen hocking off the silverware? Queen Mum is beginning to make Fergie look respectabal she is!

      • Mary says:

        Just the interwaves – so no actual bumping (wot – you didn’t sign up for FEITV livestreaming like us horse geeks?)

        Why is sharktopus so angry? Did Christine O’Donnell show up and tell him that 8 arms and mulitple suckers notwithstanding, he had to leave his fin alone?

  35. Mary says:

    My neighbor did do flaming batons though. If only she’d known that her years of dedication wouldn’t save her from Sharktopus.

  36. bobschacht says:

    Geez. There must be something to this extravaganza– 350 comments in just a few hours!

    I’ve just been released from purgatory (i.e., a gate at Sky Harbor airport that is dead to the Internet, and made it back home to the cool mountain air of Flagstaff.

    But I did look at the sharktopus clip. Anything that bad must be good!

    Bob in AZ

  37. Mary says:


    I’m not sure I can stay up for the exciting re-ending. Especially since shiney buckle said he’s out of bullets and grenades.

    “Better than no plan” You guys might have had a point – it does sound like an allegory for Afghanistan.

  38. Cujo359 says:

    Thanks for liveblogging. I feel like I was there, except I could take it all in in ten minutes, and have the rest of the night for something useful. Like, um, Eureka.

  39. pdaly says:

    Thanks for the liveblog. I felt as if I were there. Reading the comments and watching the video clip, I feel that I too can discuss Sharktopus intelligently.
    Favorite scene is Sharktopus climbing on top of the boat (sorry if there is more than one scene like that) and then dives back into the water ducking from a hail of bullets.

  40. readerOfTeaLeaves says:

    Missed it 8((((((((

    But I’m sure that Sharktopus will be back… or is even now lurking behind my chair…. eeeeeeeekkkkkkk!

  41. earlofhuntingdon says:

    A film that makes the original Night of the Living Dead seem like a masterpiece. It’s an insult to schlock to call it schlock; it’s a new low even for both of Eric Roberts’ fans. What a hoot.