Tebowling For Columbine Trash

Not since Michael Moore’s 2002 epic “Bowling For Columbine” has life in Denver been under such a national microscope. But even that is nothing compared to Tebowmania! which is running wild and rampant in the Mile High City. And good lawdy, here comes Mr. Bundchen himself, Bieber Brady, to town. That is a LOT of awesomeness in one city, much less on one football field.

Before we get to the specifics of the Big Tebowl at Mile High, there is actually a game tonight, Scribe’s Dallas Cowboys at the Tampa Bay Sucs, er, Bucs. DeMarco Murray is done for the year for the ‘Boys, but they are hoping Felix Jones will return to the form of his early promise and pick up the slack. Despite the deflating loss to Eli and the Giants last week, Dallas still controls their own destiny for the division title if they win out, including over the Giants in NY on the last Sunday. That is a tall order, but they shouldn’t have any problems with Tampa tonight. Game is on NFL Network. Oh, also, if you are colorblind and can thus handle the “grass” from Boise State’s field, the Famous Idaho Potatoes Bowl is on ESPN with a scintillating matchup between Ohio and Utah State.

But the game of the century, of course, is in Denver where Bill Bel and the Patsies come a callin. Despite the intense hype and Tebowmania! across the nation, the NFL and NBC have refused to flex the game to the Sunday Night Football slot. Apparently CBS pitched a hissy fit and Robert Kraft did too, because he didn’t want it to be any colder and more hostile than necessary and he wanted to leave town earlier in the day. So some people, tragically like me for instance, will have it blacked out (because the fucking Cardinals have a home game at same time versus the woeful Brownies. Bleech). The rational side of me says “don’t be an idiot bmaz, Brady and Gronk are gonna run up the board on the offense challenged Broncos”. But Denver plays really tough team defense, it’s December, colder than shit and at Mile High Stadium. Marcy has pointed out off blog that the Pats have a history of issues at Mile High against the Donkos. Just to give you an idea, Elway was 9-0 against New England and is going for 10-0 as a GM. Denver is the only team in the league Tom Brady has a losing record against (record is shockingly 1-6). The other things is, the Pats have a defense that even Tebow may be able to throw on. I have no idea in the world how this sucker will go, but it is, by far, not only the best game of the week, but one of the more interesting in a while. Baby Jesus is gonna have to play like Superman (see: Kinks video above; here is a live version from 1979. The Kinks are freaking killer; one of the most under-appreciated and most important rock bands ever) to win this. But Tebow seems to have the possibility and potential in him to do Superman like deeds, so exciting to see!

I will add a few more things in a few minutes, refresh and check back!

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145 replies
  1. JohnLopresti says:

    Something about the introduction to tales of brave ulysses, Clapton, Baker, Bruce, fresh cream; and all day, and all of the night kinks (which, spelled backwards is almost Knicks; well,if you hail from NJ); is similar; almost 9th Symphony-like. I ain’t seen that there Elway sequel yet. But I can remember tall J Elway’s gameness after getting tossed like a slowing down snowperson as more hexagonal white frozen precipitation flew, and lineperson Mecklenberg’s amazing willingness to stand before all sorts of adversity on Elway’s behalf. Coach Bill Walsh had a special place in his book of respected teams for the paladins from Denver, TalkLeft city. The redbirds are welcome to try a rematch at Candlestick this weekend if the league will permit three tries. There’re 3 points the 49ers would like to add to last week’s giveaway; plus, maybe the replay machine is repaired now: any word on that yet from the helpdesk folks in Phoenix? it would be interesting to count the time elapsed to the flag thrown during the Next play, canceling a niner likely game winning td. Also, we have not heard if the touchdown statue by EW’s commute highway, the one rising from a pond, on private land, exercising private 1st amendment rights, next to an federal interstate highway, in its full viewscape, like St. Paul’s in the Kremlin, was repaired. But I do not know about the weather’s impact on this game, the Patriots being a New England rock-ribbed team accustomed to toweling ice off the pigskin between scrimages. Also from last week, it seems Boise State is to be Big East?! Do they want this?

  2. Bob Schacht says:

    Thanks for all the pre-game spin, bmaz, but the Cardinals are finally getting their act together, so Phx vs CLE might actually turn out to be an interesting game. Make the best of what we’ve got, I guess.

    And what about the Packers vs Chiefs? Will the Pack dismantle the Chiefs as they have everyone else, or will they rest their champions to protect against the chance of a freak injury? Will the Chiefs be in a giant-killer mood, and ambush the Pack?

    Bob in AZ

  3. scribe says:

    BMAz, I am convinced that the desert heat has finally succeeded in going to your head and addling your brains. To be clear: The Dallas Owboys are not my team. My rooting/fandom interests are, to repeat and in order:

    Pittsburgh Stillers
    Who’s playing Dallas?
    Philadelphia Iggles (we boo because we care)
    Who’s playing the Patsies?
    Who’s playing the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS?
    NY Jints.

    I know, you’re just breaking my chops to get a rise out of me. You’ve succeeded. Your Cardinals still suck.

    As least you got the music right. The Kinks are vital to any understanding of rock. And, if there were any remaining doubt about it, anyone who can get Chrissie Hynde to marry him is a True Rock Star.

  4. emptywheel says:

    @JohnLopresti: Touchdown Jesus is actually just north of Cincinnati (so within an hour of the creation museum, if you’re counting). We drove by there recently and DIDN’T see him. But we forgot to check progress on the reconstruction.

    Maybe they’ll reopen touchdown jesus in time for the opening of Noah’s Ark?

  5. emptywheel says:

    So here’s a really interesting scenario:

    I think it likely the Pats lose today and win out (Miami and Buffalo in NE), for a final record of 12-4.

    The Donkos go to Buffalo and host the Chiefs, so they may well win out (which would mean the Detroit Kitties would have been the only team to beat Baby Jesus, btw).

    So it’s possible the Pats would be the #3 team in the AFC (I think the Stillers and Texans win on tiebreakers right now; not sure what happens if the 9ers beat the Stillers. Houston has Carolina and Tennessee at home, Colts away, but of course, they’re playing backups at important positions; I can’t believe they’re win out.

    Meanwhile, the Jets’ destiny is in their own hands for a WC (the Pats have to win just one to prevent the Jets from catching up), though they’ve got the Iggles who CAN beat them if this happens to be one of the days their heads aren’t up their ass. Next week they have the Gents who are struggling for their own playoff hopes; I always laugh at the team that gets screwed out of a home game at the Meadowlands, which in this case is hte Jets.

    It is possible the Jets see the Pats in the first round of the playoffs. Again. I’d bet that three’s a charm, unfortunately, unless Santa gives BillBel an entire Defense for Christmas.

    Of course, all that’s assuming the Titans, Bungles, or Raiders don’t catch up.

  6. scribe says:

    @emptywheel: Yeah, lightning going through the Tebowing finger and setting the damn idol on fire (cheap foam that burned like Hell) will really knock the hell out of the tourists coming to worship before it.

  7. GulfCoastPirate says:

    Muswell Hillbilly Boy!

    Agree about the Kinks. That tour at the same time the Superman album (or the album that contained that song) came out was terrific.

    I think the Pats roll today. Too much offense for the Broncs.

  8. scribe says:

    @emptywheel: If the Steelers go one game better than Baltimore, then the Stillers win the AFC North. If the Steelers go one game better than both Baltimore and Texas, they wind up almost surely #1 seed – head to head against the Pats they won. It’s more conceivable they could be seeded as high as #2, behind Texas.
    If not, the Stillers have to scrap for a wild card. It’s conceivable a 10 or 11-win team will not make the AFC playoffs.
    As to the Patsies not getting a D in their stocking (and you thought the Football Gods had no sense of humor) and getting bounced from the playoffs, the Pats have no one to blame but themselves. They have spent an inordinate amount of time working on an offense that has no real need for tweaking, and no time on D. For Cheatin’ Bill to have gone that route is appalling – he came up as a defensive guy.

    BTW, I’m not that sanguine about the Stillers’ chances against SF. Between King Roger the Owners’ Puppet putting his thumb on the scale and suspending Silverback and Ben’s balky ankle, they’re coming in a shadow of themselves.

  9. Peterr says:

    @Bob Schacht:

    I fully expect to see more Cheeseheads in green than Chiefs fans in red at Arrowhead Stadium. I’ve got a friend with seats at the field level, who has a “Lambeau Leap Here” sign ready to greet the Packers.

    I predict she’ll have lots of large men in green jerseys giving her a quick hug.

    The Chiefs are no threat to the Packers. The Cheeseheads could put their third string out there and still take the Chiefs.

  10. emptywheel says:

    @scribe: Right, my logic is that the most likely position for the Pats is 3rd seed, meaning they’ll play the ostensibly worse of the two WCs, which would most likely be the Jets. And the Stillers or the Ravens can give Baby Jesus an appropriate Christmas Day present.

  11. phred says:

    Snort, hic, cough… Uh, bmaz, what are you smokin’ these days??? Am I the only person in the country who has noticed that Denver’s opponents for the past 6 weeks have been well below par?

    Just as a refresher: Raiders, Chiefs, Jets, Chargers, Vikings (the VIKINGS! and the ponies damn near lost), and Da Bears. The Chiefs, Chargers, and Vikings have been abysmal. The Raiders and Jets have been playing hot and cold all year, not exactly the definition of football excellence. The only truly good team in that list is the Bears and they were missing their top two QBs, hardly a high bar.

    The Biebers may have nothing more than their beautiful locks for a defense, but the game will not even be close.

    I’m more worried about my Pack losing focus and choking against the Chiefs than I am about the Patsies, no matter what mule-ish curse Bieber may suffer from.

  12. Phoenix Woman says:

    @emptywheel: A-yep. New England is the only team in the latter third of Denver’s schedule that was even over .500, and while I suspect we’ll get to see the offense triumph today, their D is just pathetic enough for Tebow.

    By the way, does anyone want a slightly used Vikings head coach with no brain? Tebow’s backers would have one less win to crow about had Leslie Frazier actually challenged the refs’ denial of Percy Harvin’s spectacular 104-yard touchdown run. “Nobody told me to do it”, my ass.

  13. Phoenix Woman says:

    @phred: “Am I the only person in the country who has noticed that Denver’s opponents for the past 6 weeks have been well below par?”

    No, you are not. Hell, I said over in TBoggland a month ago that the Broncos could conceivably go 6-0 in the last six games.

    And again, if Leslie Frazier had a frickin’ brain and challenged the refs’ denial of Percy Harvin’s touchdown run, the Tebow Twits would have one less game to crow about.

    Meanwhile, this Vikings fan is rooting for the Packers big-time — and would almost want the Tebowed Broncos to make it as far as the Stupor Bowl just so Aaron Rodgers can put on a clinic for them.

  14. phred says:

    @Phoenix Woman: LOL (about Rodgers putting on a clinic for Teabow ; )

    You have my heartfelt sympathies PW. Vikes fans have had a disproportionate share of misery inflicted by coaches over the last several years. A friend of mine is a big Vikings fan and he got to the point where he could hardly bear to hear the name Childress uttered in his presence. Alas, the Viking saga continues…

  15. emptywheel says:

    Update: -1 yards for teh Packers at the end of the first quarter. Not watching the game. But they seem to be following the Kitties’ game plan, only without spotting Rodgers 100 yards in penalties before the stomping.

  16. bmaz says:

    @Bob Schacht: Well, the Pack is up to a whopping 54 yards of offense now. Rodgers lighting it up with 4 out of 12 accuracy.

    Panthers whipping Houston. Sexy Rexy already has two picks, but is otherwise riddling the Gents for a 10-0 lead. You know, if the Squawks hold on against Da Beras, they will actually be at .500 and 7-7. Considering how badly they started, that is pretty impressive.

  17. 4jkb4ia says:

    Mike Tanier on the Tebow Showdown: “A game with quarterback hype ludicrous and deafening enough to make you nostalgic for Brett Favre.”

    There is an exciting Reds-Cardinals game going on.

  18. phred says:

    @emptywheel: Paranoid??? Not so much considering that the only thing saving the Pack at the moment is the Chiefs suck, really really suck, in the red zone. Yowza.

    We’ll see how the sea level musketeers hold up in the thin air, but I’m sticking by my prediction of a TeaBlowout
    ; )

  19. phred says:

    Finley managed to not drop the ball, Rodgers ran it, and Driver brought down the TD : )

    Woot! Pack 7-6. Whew!

  20. Mauimom says:

    I’m watching the Packers game, and I can’t say that they look mighty.

    Chiefs seem fired up. And just WHO was it that traded away Orton?

  21. phred says:

    @Jim White: Oh ye of little faith.

    Mauimom, that would be Team Teabow ; ) It would be ironic if Orton hands the Pack their first defeat on the same day Teabow goes down in Patriotic flames ; )

  22. phred says:

    @Mauimom: I know, that’s why I added the winking smiles. Sorry to inadvertently cast undue aspersions.

    Jim, I am now willing to concede that the 1972 Dolphins record is safe. Sure, there is still nearly 5 minutes left in the game, but the Pack hasn’t played well yet today and I don’t expect them to figure it out now…

  23. Bob Schacht says:

    Packers have some O-line problems. They’ve got a third stringer playing at tackle, giving KC better pressure on Rodgers. The Packer O-line has become porous. The KC defense has been much better than expected.

    Bob in AZ

  24. emptywheel says:

    @scribe: Uh, if they do that, you won’t have Harrison for the Super Bowl, given what the NFL was saying this week. That what you want?

  25. emptywheel says:

    @bmaz: I’m watching a lot of games where a bunch of pro players seemingly have never heard of wrapping when you tackle.

    Meanwhile, I see the Kitties are winning the contest of which most penalized team will get more today.

  26. Peterr says:

    I watched the second half of the Packers-Chiefs game from the waiting room of a tire shop, getting a relatively new tire replaced after the sidewall got ruined. (Do you know how hard it is to find a tire place open on a Sunday?)

    As for the game . . . unbelievable. Seriously — when I walked in and saw the score was 6-0 Chiefs in the 3rd quarter, I was stunned.

    KC sports radio will be very interesting tomorrow.

  27. bmaz says:

    @emptywheel: When the Raiders are the more disciplined team on the field in your game, you have a problem. Must be nice to be able to watch games. I, instead, have to watch the Cardinals who are, predictably, losing to the freaking Brownies.

  28. 4jkb4ia says:

    Come on, Jets! Wake up! This is only your playoff chances, and everything!

    (Vick’s playing today, which would explain some things)

  29. scribe says:

    @emptywheel: Harrison is a football player making football plays, being penalized by a bunch of clowns who are more interested in making offenses score without any hindrance from the defense.

    The No Fun League PTB are peddling the sporting equivalent of crack-laced junk food: empty, useless calories engineered to be addictive.

  30. emptywheel says:

    @scribe: Why you telling me that and not bmaz?

    I’m not commenting on the soundness of the fines on him–or Suh–I’m saying that or better or worse both of them are gonna sit playoff games (if the Kitties make it) if they get penalized again.

  31. 4jkb4ia says:

    Fear the Iggles! This really may be too late for their playoff hopes.

    @emptywheel: Not so much as all that. The Bengals won, the Raiders are winning, and the Steelers/Ravens are not within reach.

  32. scribe says:

    @emptywheel: You and BMAz have been volleying up Harrison trash, so I just came back.

    Moving on, nice piece of ball-hawking by the Patsies. Tebow can’t play option, if they steal it from his hands.

  33. emptywheel says:

    I see that rather than tackling, the Pats have decided just to force Tebow to fumble over and over.

    I’ll take it.

    Can we order some of this for the 4th quarter, too?

  34. bmaz says:

    @emptywheel: Crikey, the Donks are gonna give the ball back to Bieber with about a minute left. Not good.

    This is ALL your fault! Why did you have go and say you were thinking of supporting the Tebows??

  35. emptywheel says:

    @bmaz: As I said, the only people who have beat Tebow this year have done so by playing dirty (sort of). Didn’t trust BillBel to do it all on his own.

  36. freeppatriot says:

    Mauimom

    Can anyone tell me how the hell Indy pulled out a win?

    parity, fuckin parity

    guess Detroit can crack the bubbly now, their perfecto is safe

  37. JTMinIA says:

    Well, Jesus did warn Tebow that He wasn’t going to be available this week (although said warning was issued on SNL which my wife claims isn’t always accurate).

  38. freepatriot says:

    an for the record:

    Chrissie Hynde didn’t marry Ray Davies, she jes had a intentionally had a kid with him

  39. emptywheel says:

    Meanwhile, the Kitties don’t really want to go to the playoffs. Fumble TD w/ not enough time left.

    Then again, if these games stand, the Rayduhs will pull even with Baby Jeebus.

  40. Petrocelli says:

    @emptywheel:

    Suh needs to get off those supplements which are making him so aggressive . The Team is young but they lost their mental edge from the first half of the season and that blame rests squarely with the coaching staff.

  41. JTMinIA says:

    @ Petro: I’m doing OK, thanks. Hope the same (or better) for you. Completely swamped at work, but been having some fun (when I get a chance) with the car.

  42. emptywheel says:

    @Petrocelli: Absolutely agree it’s the coaching staff. Given the argy bargy between Schwartz and Harbaugh, we can understand why Schwartz isn’t all that bugged by his screaming discipline problem.

  43. Petrocelli says:

    @JTMinIA: Things are getting better, after a challenging few years. Good to hear you’re making time for fun. We don’t make nearly enough time for that in our lives.

  44. JTMinIA says:

    I don’t know if any one you follow Jesus on Twitter, but He just apologized for arriving late for the 4th quarter and says He’s got it covered now.

  45. Petrocelli says:

    @emptywheel:

    I’ve seen quite a few Athletes and Celebs get as aggressive as Suh, just cause they were taking “energy supplements” which make them rage at the least perceived or real annoyance.

    Meditation will only help so much and again, I blame the Coaches for not keeping tabs on the player’s intake of supplements.

  46. JTMinIA says:

    If the supplements have much if any backwards L-tryptophan (as the crud from GNC does, for example), then look out. Might as well feed your baby Chinese powdered milk.

  47. Petrocelli says:

    @JTMinIA: My Nephew was taking one over the counter supplement, which made his Heart stop from time to time …

    Luckily I caught it, and him, just as he was passing out near some Stairs.

  48. JTMinIA says:

    So would have been Mike Tyson, if he hadn’t started thinking that ears made good snacks.

    With that said, I agree. Just havin’ fun.

  49. emptywheel says:

    @Petrocelli: I think he needs another good pre-season, and he needs Schwartz to stop coaching like a 12-year old would.

    I don’t take him as a Roid guy–and that’s someone coming from the gal who named Rodney Harrison, who I quite like, Rodney-Roid.

  50. Petrocelli says:

    @emptywheel: It might not be “roid”, but an energy booster, which helps greatly in endurance and is over-the-counter. That’s the only thing that explains his out of control anger we’ve seen from time to time.

    Even with this win, I gotta say that the Lions team need a better coaching staff to take them 1-2 levels higher. They’re a great young team !

  51. Jim White says:

    @emptywheel: For me, Tom Coughlin in football is the equivalent of Don Nelson in basketball. Both are expert at taking teams that have excellent players, making the playoffs now and then, but slowly but surely running the team into the ground while killing every bit of team chemistry.

  52. emptywheel says:

    He’s answering every question by saying that Brady’s great and they’re a great team and they just put the ball on the ground a couple of times.

  53. scribe says:

    @Jim White: Heard a great comment today about the Giants game. Coughlin made a challenge which was promptly denied. The radio guy commented that Coughlin was listening to Mr. Magoo in the press box when he threw the red flag.

  54. 4jkb4ia says:

    This is very doable if only because the Bungles get the Ravens on the last day of the season and can lose even to the AZ Cardinals, a non-professional football team, if they played the way they did today. But you can never count the Jets in with the year they had.

  55. bmaz says:

    @4jkb4ia: Don’t know if you noticed or not, but the Cards are 6-1 over last seven games and now are at .500 for the season. Of course, two of those wines were against the Rams, so….

  56. Bay State Librul says:

    Dateline… Denver meets the offensive crew from MI-5 (Best Non D team in the East)

    “Leave it to the Patriots to ruin things for everybody else.
    Sports fans of America yesterday turned their eyes toward this stadium one mile above sea level, hoping to see another miracle; a burning bush, a football Fatima, perhaps 80,000 fans feasting on a few fishes and loaves.
    No. There was no Tebow Time this time. Instead, we witnessed another routine execution by the brutal New England assassins who’ve ruled the AFC East in nine of the past 11 seasons.” Shaughnessy (Globe)

  57. Petrocelli says:

    *cough*bmaz, when were you gonna fess up that you’re a Gubmint agent ?

    We don’t mind, so long as you don’t send the Likker Cabinet to Gitmo …

  58. bmaz says:

    @Petrocelli: Heh, yeah, you know me, Mr. Government Man. Jeebus. Many well intentioned folks, but a couple of nutters that are missing a little perspective and dose of reality over there.

  59. rosalind says:

    @bmaz: yeah, i got to hang out in his VIP suite with da boss Stevie ‘Guitar’ Miller after the first tour. i appreciated the fact i’d likely never get to experience anything quite like that again.

  60. JohnLopresti says:

    @emptywheel: I had the idea the creation museum was near the rock and roll hall of fame. Though, thanx for the Walden update. If anyone knows kids, a scientific study of how snow forms hexagonal and other shapes is there. Candlestick has lots of spare candles in case of electricity outage.

  61. JohnLopresti says:

    @rosalind: Steve was a real gentleman and wonderful new blues musician on the scene, and still is. Though a van I rode in took the Miller Blues Band guys to a church, where Steve played improvised “creation music”, Steve called it. Sounded like jazz. ?on the truck, or off the truck? Farther!

  62. rosalind says:

    @JohnLopresti: (omg, this is the first john lopresti comment i’ve been able to follow from beginning to end!)

    (this is not a diss of mr. lopresti, simply an acknowledgment that the particular path of his brainwaves tends to throw off my navigational skills)

  63. Bob Schacht says:

    OK, so Rothlisberger is a real mensch*. But why, with 3 interceptions under his belt, and no touchdowns, and after playing the whole game with a painful high ankle sprain that limited his mobility, with San Francisco ahead 20 – 3, did the Stillers not bench him and let his backup play the last few series? I mean, they do want him in prime shape for the upcoming play-offs, don’t they?

    Bob in AZ
    *This may need some modification to account for his off-field behavior in the last year or two.

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